Still…not perfect…but long ago…

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I hate this…what is so hard about writing about myself to myself…no followers, readers, stalkers…and I have had two stalkers in my life…like legit, scary, you take every self-defense class that comes up type of stalker…that, by the way, is not an open invitation for someone to stalk me…and I like not having anyone reading this…then why do I have a blog, one could ask…because typing is so much easier and I can decorate it…where does one begin…I have made a vow and said a prayer because I do not want this to become about “gossip” over people from my past and present…but I have some shit to work through…gossip is so negative and I feel horrible after talking to someone about another…even though I confide in like three people who do not talk to anyone else…and it is more of a venting session, but I feel that afterwards, both parties involved are just heavy…anyways…oh, yes, the shit…it all started when…………..I was a guinea pig for the psych community…okay, at least a couple of doctors in the community and not the ENTIRE community…total single mom, working part-time and in school part-time…had a friend and her little one (and then a little one on the way – LOVE them so much) living with me off and on…I was majoring in apparel design and taking this class that involved many machines…which I managed to constantly tangle up thread/fabric and break more needles than should be bought in a year…I believe machines hate me…there’s a huge possibility of a crash on their part when I am near…so I was seeing a psych doctor for my anxiety which I did not think was my problem…I absolutely did not want to be on anti-anxiety meds…did not…but after months of seeing her, my constant denial of anxiety (I am on anti-depression meds which I’m cool with) and, maybe, her becoming sick of me I took the questionnaire she handed me…it was for ADD or ADHD…my parents had to take it as well…and after a few short questions…BAM…you suffer from both ADD and clinical depression…by that time I was so desperate to be rid of the denied anxiety that I was like, “Cool.  Okay.  What do we do?”…that year was hell…and the psych doctor closed her practice without giving me a referral…so I took my meds as ordered and scheduled…I will say this, the only thing it did was amp up my anxiety to the max…I could not sit still…I could not maintain a thought…I had a great part-time job that I completely blew off…something I NEVER would have done…and I left speaking “my mind” which, looking back, were the most insane thoughts…but I had no idea I was slowly slipping down the rabbit’s hole…I did as I was told…this wasn’t anxiety…this was an adjustment to medication…then six months in I crashed…I went from amped up and could not sit still to someone who’s entire body impression was left on my wonderful purple couch because I could not move…I was so lost…so aware of time…ticking away…slowly…each second I was very much aware of and it was dark…honestly, I thought that things couldn’t possibly be darker, but stick around a few posts and you will see that I danced with the devil sometimes…oh, and yes, somewhere in there I switched from working towards my apparel design degree and started paralegal training…a training program that should have taken a person six to twelve months to complete, but took me more than a couple of years…the one thing I made sure of was that my daughter was good…actually ‘well’ is the more appropriate word…every day, even when the couch and I were best friends, I would get up and take my daughter to day care…I would pick her up as if coming off work (I substituted off and on, at this time really it was more off…and tried to psych myself up for classes…that I could not attend…not would not…COULD NOT) so that her routine was absolutely normal…I call my daughter my lifesaver…she saved my life…the life I was living before finding out I was pregnant was wild, except not in the way you are thinking (I think)…I absolutely loved her biological father…problem was…the life presented to me by him was a facade…a story for later…and it took eight home pregnancy tests and two at the doctor’s office before I would believe I was pregnant…at which point my recurring dream from the previous two months made perfect sense (side-note: I was on medication that could harm a baby…I was drinking like it was 1999…I ran all the time in the 100 degree heat…no substance, really, in my diet…and I was tanning)…but every time I slept I would have this dream…this recurring dream of a bald little girl, sitting on a patch of the driest, most barren and cracked dry earth one can imagine…within feet of her was beautiful, deep blue water (I could see the waves in the water…waves that would never get close enough to her to quench her thirst)…all around her was water…and she was thirsty but not dehydrated…and she was so happy…she was surrounded by a group of Native American Indians who were chanting and singing, dancing in a circle around her to keep her strong, healthy and happy…after I found out I was pregnant (at eight weeks along), I “cold turky’ed” off meds and stopped drinking and tanning…I tried to eat better (worse three month 24/7 morning sickness ever)…and I never had that dream again…seven months later I had a baby girl and that girl was bald until she was two…I always tell her…you saved me and God sent the Native Americans to keep you safe…WOW…I totally sidetracked it…don’t worry…I do that often…either I will get better at being focused or you will have to learn to follow me…where was I…yes, darkness…the next six months went by…so…very…slow…that song by the Chambers Brothers “Time Has Come Today”…close your eyes…that tick tock tick tock sound at the beginning…I could see it and feel it…and it did not move as fast as it does in that wonderful song…so I found myself a new psych doctor…little did I know…what was to come was going to be just a trade…one nightmare for another…tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock…TIME!

1 comments on “Still…not perfect…but long ago…”

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