Hindsight…the wicked looking glass

Judging on hindsight, you set yourself up to fail…to live in a circle locked in the past…the only thing you can do with hindsight, to move forward, is to learn, grow and forgive

A few days ago, I went for a walk…along with four of five of my dogs and my music…multiple playlists I have…each for different moods…the playlist I had on at the time is titled “Ease my mind”…I created it about a year ago when I was, for the umpteenth time, back in school…my anxiety was really creeping up on me as I walked on campus to get to class…I look around as I walk and what I see is not people, but rats (okay mice…much more cute) moving as if in a controlled little box…the sidewalks, stairs, and rooms are all part of this massive maze in which each mouse is trying to navigate to win that ultimate rat race of life…a degree…I realize this is a personal issue of mine that I must work on…a degree from the pursuit of higher education is a very beautiful thing…but anxiety it gives me nonetheless…so music is my escape as I maneuver the maze…on this playlist are artists such as Volbeat, Disturbed, Thirty Seconds to Mars and Highly Suspect…but thrown in there, along with other random songs, is one song by X Ambassadors called “Unsteady”

That song…it is like the band had caught a glimpse into a specific time in my life… they saw the silent crying inside…they saw that I could not express it so they poured my soul into a song

My dad had back surgery around the year 2000…that was the day we “lost” my dad…he didn’t pass until the year 2010, but he was never the same after that operation…the chaos and the darkness that ensued throughout the next ten years…there are so many stories that could be told because so many were affected…now, with hindsight, I see that it was my dad who was affected the most…deep in the darkness, though, you cannot see that…it is like fight or flight and each person is trying to survive…have you ever watched someone you love slowly fade away due to pain and/or an addiction…hindsight is 20/20 and should have/could have does not apply…he was this strong man…my entire life up until the surgery…so funny and intelligent…this kind heart that would sit on the porch with a terrified raccoon until it calmed down so he could bag it and relocate it instead of shooting it…successful hard working, entrepreneur…wonderful dad and as I witnessed, he and my mom’s relationship…something that movies are made of…like high school kids who could not get enough of each other…I know along the way they had struggles, but he always said if it was not for my mom’s strong faith and for God that they might not have made it…and they almost did, until the surgery

I will only tell you my story…my experience:

My dad had to be on strong pain medication…specially mixed because the surgery (“successful” according to doctors) went so wrong…bone on bone, no space in-between the vertebra of his spine towards his lower back…he lived with no feeling in his legs…something I did not know until years later…the nerves were more than pinched in-between, they were dead in a sense…the surgery caused such pain from those nerves trying to regenerate that he, along with my mom, sought out a pain specialist…this man, a doctor I will not call him, along with his nurse had my dad on such high pain meds with an unlimited supply of refills…why not a mixture of physical therapy, shots and meds that were not so strong, one might ask…it was not until recently that I learned what I believe is that reason…he, this man, told my dad and mom sometime late into treating him that the only reason he prescribed such strong meds and the amount was because he assumed my parents had money…so they could afford it…my belief (since this man is no longer practicing in pain management) is that the oath he took to become a doctor he took with fingers and toes crossed…because he caused greater harm than the doctors who performed the surgery…pain management specialist equals hope…one would hope…but he was in it for money and not for helping others

The glimpse:

There were times I would come home, and I could see that my dad was not there…just a look in his eyes and you could tell…the things this new dad said to me my old dad would have beat the shit out of anyone who spoke to me that way, or any of his loved ones…but addiction is the devil…it is evil…from minor moments like him not recognizing what a banana was and found the word banana quite funny for a fruit to a moment where I truly had no idea if the man coming at me might harm me…and the words out of that man’s mouth (that man, because that was NOT my dad) telling me how much of a loser I was, that I had no family anymore, that my childhood home (where I am living now) was not my home anymore…you can tell yourself all day and all night long that it was the addiction talking, but those words carve into your soul and they are heavy…my mom, she had her way of dealing…as did my brothers and sister…for years I had prepared myself for one of the following: dad to kill mom then himself or dad to kill mom or dad to kill himself…those three seemed so logical to me and I was fully prepared for that notification…I met this man, this person, during that time…someone who never would have made it into my life had I not been wrongly diagnosed as bipolar and heavily medicated and taking care of others who were living with me …I was overwhelmed…overwhelmed…an understatement…a more intricate story for another time

Not sure I trust online dating sites anymore…people can put forth the life and the person that they want…it doesn’t have to be true…just attractive…because you are selling yourself…who I clicked “like” on and who eventually became my husband was NOT who was presented to me those first few months…he became abusive…not physical…I do not know why I must specify…abuse is abuse…I was the “breadwinner” in my small household because my spouse was “dying of cancer” and always “too sick to work”…why the quotations you might wonder…well, he was not dying from cancer and he was not too sick to work…he was just a mean, selfish, lying, abusive person…who, no matter how many times and how hard I tried, would not leave…refused and had a friend who was a lawyer whom he always used as a threat to me…after a while…I but gave up and accepted my fate…he was able to convince my family, my friends that I was the crazy one…not him…it didn’t take long for me to believe that I actually was the crazy one…I now know what I experienced is called gaslighting…my life…I lived with someone who told me I was worthless and all those around me thought so too…I worked for someone who told me I was not very smart…I had a friend, whom I had moved in with me to try to help who left overnight with her kids, kids whom I love as my own, out of nowhere she tells me that I was the most selfish bitch and horrible friend ever…over text…I had no contact with other friends, cousins, etcetera….I heard day in and day out how horrible I was…how selfish I was…how stupid I was…how worthless I was…what was my escape, my parents’, became just another hell… a former member of the family absolutely hated me, made it known, and yet was always defended and protected by members in my family because I was the stronger one and I should just take it because she had a horrible childhood…so I was told

I had no safe place…I tried so very hard to be the safe place for my daughter…shield her from anything I could…protect her as much as I could…exhausted

The lyrics of the song are as follows:

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Mama, come here…Approach, appear…Daddy, I’m alone…’Cause this house don’t feel like home

If you love me, don’t let go…If you love me, don’t let go

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Mother, I know…That you’re tired of being alone…Dad, I know you’re trying…To fight when you feel like flying

If you love me, don’t let go…If you love me, don’t let go

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

My dad…his day to day life was spent essentially asleep, doped up…most of what he did during his waking hours, he would not remember…he was tired…he was so tired of the pain…of trying to fight through it and be happy…have hope…my mom traveled…a lot…I know because she enjoys it…but, honestly, she had to feel so alone…lost…angry…sad…she had to of just wanted to leave…disappear herself…escape…and I…I was so very unsteady without knowing it because I was just climbing this mountain that was moving and growing causing me to stay in the exact same place…not gaining any ground

This is the wicked looking glass…this is what I want to say…to scream to that dad:

PLEASE just hold on…in the future my body quits, my stamina gives out…I have to come back home to rebuild…to get healthy…please dad, just wait…I will do it now…I will find my strength and lose this “husband”…I will stop trying to climb this ever growing mountain alone…your granddaughter and I will come home now…we will help each other…I understand you more than you can possibly comprehend right now, and you me, but give it time and you will see…our pain is different but the same…please do not give up and fly…just hold on because I need you

To my mom, I would say:

I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry that I did not realize just how alone and lost you must have felt…I was stuck in darkness and could not see past my own self…but I need you…and once we were friends and we can find that again…come home…I will come home, it’s inevitable…we will find the way together…you are not alone

To both I want to scream…please help me…I am drowning and I need you both…please because I cannot keep this pace up much longer…the idea of death has more light than my days…than my life…I have seen the future…I will be home anyways…so just hold on…stay there…and my daughter and I will come back now

I have sat on this…this post…telling this part of me…for days because I do not know how to end it…but maybe it doesn’t need an ending because it is a part of a beginning…letting go and stop living in this circle of pain every time the song “Unsteady” plays…maybe remove it from my playlist for a while…and let that part of me breathe…heal…no more should have or could haves…just forgiveness and moving forward because we did not know what to do…we were not prepared…we were stuck in a darkness

And one day…enjoy the music, the song, without a breaking down

2017-25-10-21-12-15

 

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