Vertigo…

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Some days I feel as though I am going crazy…I am better…I am stronger…but I do not always trust what I feel…I am still in the habit of blaming myself for everything and believing that I am crazy…when something is “off”, it is my fault…or so that is what I believe…I am so tired of hearing people say “It’s not always about you” as if to say that I am selfish or self-centered…telling me that actually adds to the guilt and the circle that I ride…it is not anyone’s fault, really…you would never understand the circle I ride unless you have been in a relationship that was abusive…and to add to that, the three “outside” relationships that coexisted with my relationship with my ex…I had a nurse practitioner and a therapist who both said that I am suffering from PTSD…I have a very difficult time equating my mindset to that…PTSD is for veterans…it’s for people who really were traumatized…but…if I step back and look at this from an outsider’s perspective as if this all happened to someone else…I would say the same thing…I am supposed to be stronger, though…I know, for a fact, that had I not experienced so much hate (it took an outsider’s perspective to show me the energy I was surrounded by was, in fact, hate) at the same time, if I was properly diagnosed and not overly medicated by psychiatrists, if medical doctors would have listened to me and addressed my thyroid which is, as it turns out, exactly what was not working properly, if I had someone to confide in and someone who stood up for me (that is very important to me…loyalty) then…I don’t know…throw one or two of those at me, and I can overcome and roll with the punches…throw all of those at me at once over a set of years, and my head was barely above water…treading as if fighting this ginormous whirlpool in life…and whirlpools freak me out…even in the tub and sink…I do not like the idea of whirlpools…

Today, though, I am on this vicious circle of having feelings that I have a very hard time justifying because, of course, if someone doesn’t want to hang out, doesn’t return text messages soon (and I see people on their phones constantly when I do see them…I am not a fan of technology…ironic since I’m here…typing), doesn’t say “Kate, I understand why you feel that way” when I try and explain what is going through my entire being, but rather takes the defense of themselves or others (and I don’t bash people…the ONE thing I have always been good at…or that is just innate in my very soul…is that I somehow feel everything and understand everything…I feel other people’s pain and happiness…literally can feel my heart break with sadness or explode with happiness…I can feel the earth…I can feel energy…this is exactly why I am not on Facebook anymore…just emotions all over the place…opinions from the right to the left and not always well researched…too much of a roller coaster ride for my aura…I suppose) sorry, sidetracked…but my point is that when I talk about how I am feeling about someone or a situation with someone, there is no need to take a defensive or protective stance for that person because, trust me, I have analyzed every aspect of what I am feeling, what the other person has gone through or must be going through, what have I said, done or did not do…all of that typed for me to say this:  I have a problem with whether or not my feelings are legit due to years of being told I was not enough, I was a bad mom and wife, I was a bad friend, bad employee, ugly, fat, not smart, selfish that now I have a very difficult time that I no longer know what is up from down, left from right…I do not trust my feelings or emotions nor know if they are legit

Friends that I had for years…family members I thought I had a really close connection with…as I am recovering and trying to be strong again…they have turned their backs on me…on some level I understand because these people feel as though I wasn’t there for them…but then I step into that point of view as if I am talking to someone else who experienced what I did and not me…and I would say “Well, fuck, you were in a dark place.  Struggling to just breathe. Struggling to stay simply alive. That is when friends and close family members should rally and be stronger for you, and maybe you found out through all of this that those people are not really your friends at all. You would never abandon or be cruel to someone who was in darkness. You always forgive and open your heart back up for others. You are loyal beyond a fault because you anticipate that kind of loyalty from those you allow in, but that form of loyalty just simply is rare and your heart is always broken in the end. If the shoe were on the other foot and there was a misunderstanding or you weren’t aware that they, too, were going through shit, forgiveness would not be an option because you would squash all past emotions and want to help and be there for that person. So, no, you are not crazy, selfish and your feelings are real and valid.” But that is something I would say to someone else…and it is not something that is said to me…so on the circle I ride and vertigo I get

That is today…and at least one time every day…an amusement park ride that I’m still on…feeling like I am as lost as Alice in Wonderland and as crazy as the Hatter…but, still, I am very grateful for all that I have been through because it has given me so much insight, wisdom and, one day, unbelievable strength…

Side note and really no point since it is me who really only reads this and for whom I am writing…but I have decided to start writing whenever The Spirit moves me…to stop waiting for me to put together what I want to say in this perfect way…still, that elusive perfection that I strive for and in reality do not want…there was only One perfect being and I am so absolutely totally cool with that

 

2 comments on “Vertigo…”

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