Categories

Raising the last white flag…

I’m done…I cannot keep going…I have tried everything…everything…and I pray all the time and study His word…but I must be missing something that I’m supposed to be grasping or doing because I get worse and I am more of a burden…I have nothing to offer…I’m not going suicidal…but I am exhausted…very literally in all aspects except, ironically, my mental illness…which was the battle for the longest time…I fought it so hard I believe I wore my body down…and with that, my spirit…so I’m done…done with the routine daily life shit, like eating, taking my meds, pretending to be okay and letting everyone believe that I believe their bullshit lies when they smile and say “you’re not a burden” “you’re not worthless”…because fact is that I’m too tired to work…how pathetic is that…and there isn’t much money…so I’m done because I’m broken beyond repair and the sadness is stronger than what’s left of my desire to live

Vertigo…

Some days I feel as though I am going crazy…I am better…I am stronger…but I do not always trust what I feel…I am still in the habit of blaming myself for everything and believing that I am crazy…when something is “off”, it is my fault…or so that is what I believe…I am so tired of hearing people say “It’s not always about you” as if to say that I am selfish or self-centered…telling me that actually adds to the guilt and the circle that I ride…it is not anyone’s fault, really…you would never understand the circle I ride unless you have been in a relationship that was abusive…and to add to that, the three “outside” relationships that coexisted with my relationship with my ex…I had a nurse practitioner and a therapist who both said that I am suffering from PTSD…I have a very difficult time equating my mindset to that…PTSD is for veterans…it’s for people who really were traumatized…but…if I step back and look at this from an outsider’s perspective as if this all happened to someone else…I would say the same thing…I am supposed to be stronger, though…I know, for a fact, that had I not experienced so much hate (it took an outsider’s perspective to show me the energy I was surrounded by was, in fact, hate) at the same time, if I was properly diagnosed and not overly medicated by psychiatrists, if medical doctors would have listened to me and addressed my thyroid which is, as it turns out, exactly what was not working properly, if I had someone to confide in and someone who stood up for me (that is very important to me…loyalty) then…I don’t know…throw one or two of those at me, and I can overcome and roll with the punches…throw all of those at me at once over a set of years, and my head was barely above water…treading as if fighting this ginormous whirlpool in life…and whirlpools freak me out…even in the tub and sink…I do not like the idea of whirlpools…

Today, though, I am on this vicious circle of having feelings that I have a very hard time justifying because, of course, if someone doesn’t want to hang out, doesn’t return text messages soon (and I see people on their phones constantly when I do see them…I am not a fan of technology…ironic since I’m here…typing), doesn’t say “Kate, I understand why you feel that way” when I try and explain what is going through my entire being, but rather takes the defense of themselves or others (and I don’t bash people…the ONE thing I have always been good at…or that is just innate in my very soul…is that I somehow feel everything and understand everything…I feel other people’s pain and happiness…literally can feel my heart break with sadness or explode with happiness…I can feel the earth…I can feel energy…this is exactly why I am not on Facebook anymore…just emotions all over the place…opinions from the right to the left and not always well researched…too much of a roller coaster ride for my aura…I suppose) sorry, sidetracked…but my point is that when I talk about how I am feeling about someone or a situation with someone, there is no need to take a defensive or protective stance for that person because, trust me, I have analyzed every aspect of what I am feeling, what the other person has gone through or must be going through, what have I said, done or did not do…all of that typed for me to say this:  I have a problem with whether or not my feelings are legit due to years of being told I was not enough, I was a bad mom and wife, I was a bad friend, bad employee, ugly, fat, not smart, selfish that now I have a very difficult time that I no longer know what is up from down, left from right…I do not trust my feelings or emotions nor know if they are legit

Friends that I had for years…family members I thought I had a really close connection with…as I am recovering and trying to be strong again…they have turned their backs on me…on some level I understand because these people feel as though I wasn’t there for them…but then I step into that point of view as if I am talking to someone else who experienced what I did and not me…and I would say “Well, fuck, you were in a dark place.  Struggling to just breathe. Struggling to stay simply alive. That is when friends and close family members should rally and be stronger for you, and maybe you found out through all of this that those people are not really your friends at all. You would never abandon or be cruel to someone who was in darkness. You always forgive and open your heart back up for others. You are loyal beyond a fault because you anticipate that kind of loyalty from those you allow in, but that form of loyalty just simply is rare and your heart is always broken in the end. If the shoe were on the other foot and there was a misunderstanding or you weren’t aware that they, too, were going through shit, forgiveness would not be an option because you would squash all past emotions and want to help and be there for that person. So, no, you are not crazy, selfish and your feelings are real and valid.” But that is something I would say to someone else…and it is not something that is said to me…so on the circle I ride and vertigo I get

That is today…and at least one time every day…an amusement park ride that I’m still on…feeling like I am as lost as Alice in Wonderland and as crazy as the Hatter…but, still, I am very grateful for all that I have been through because it has given me so much insight, wisdom and, one day, unbelievable strength…

Side note and really no point since it is me who really only reads this and for whom I am writing…but I have decided to start writing whenever The Spirit moves me…to stop waiting for me to put together what I want to say in this perfect way…still, that elusive perfection that I strive for and in reality do not want…there was only One perfect being and I am so absolutely totally cool with that

 

Hindsight…the wicked looking glass

Judging on hindsight, you set yourself up to fail…to live in a circle locked in the past…the only thing you can do with hindsight, to move forward, is to learn, grow and forgive

A few days ago, I went for a walk…along with four of five of my dogs and my music…multiple playlists I have…each for different moods…the playlist I had on at the time is titled “Ease my mind”…I created it about a year ago when I was, for the umpteenth time, back in school…my anxiety was really creeping up on me as I walked on campus to get to class…I look around as I walk and what I see is not people, but rats (okay mice…much more cute) moving as if in a controlled little box…the sidewalks, stairs, and rooms are all part of this massive maze in which each mouse is trying to navigate to win that ultimate rat race of life…a degree…I realize this is a personal issue of mine that I must work on…a degree from the pursuit of higher education is a very beautiful thing…but anxiety it gives me nonetheless…so music is my escape as I maneuver the maze…on this playlist are artists such as Volbeat, Disturbed, Thirty Seconds to Mars and Highly Suspect…but thrown in there, along with other random songs, is one song by X Ambassadors called “Unsteady”

That song…it is like the band had caught a glimpse into a specific time in my life… they saw the silent crying inside…they saw that I could not express it so they poured my soul into a song

My dad had back surgery around the year 2000…that was the day we “lost” my dad…he didn’t pass until the year 2010, but he was never the same after that operation…the chaos and the darkness that ensued throughout the next ten years…there are so many stories that could be told because so many were affected…now, with hindsight, I see that it was my dad who was affected the most…deep in the darkness, though, you cannot see that…it is like fight or flight and each person is trying to survive…have you ever watched someone you love slowly fade away due to pain and/or an addiction…hindsight is 20/20 and should have/could have does not apply…he was this strong man…my entire life up until the surgery…so funny and intelligent…this kind heart that would sit on the porch with a terrified raccoon until it calmed down so he could bag it and relocate it instead of shooting it…successful hard working, entrepreneur…wonderful dad and as I witnessed, he and my mom’s relationship…something that movies are made of…like high school kids who could not get enough of each other…I know along the way they had struggles, but he always said if it was not for my mom’s strong faith and for God that they might not have made it…and they almost did, until the surgery

I will only tell you my story…my experience:

My dad had to be on strong pain medication…specially mixed because the surgery (“successful” according to doctors) went so wrong…bone on bone, no space in-between the vertebra of his spine towards his lower back…he lived with no feeling in his legs…something I did not know until years later…the nerves were more than pinched in-between, they were dead in a sense…the surgery caused such pain from those nerves trying to regenerate that he, along with my mom, sought out a pain specialist…this man, a doctor I will not call him, along with his nurse had my dad on such high pain meds with an unlimited supply of refills…why not a mixture of physical therapy, shots and meds that were not so strong, one might ask…it was not until recently that I learned what I believe is that reason…he, this man, told my dad and mom sometime late into treating him that the only reason he prescribed such strong meds and the amount was because he assumed my parents had money…so they could afford it…my belief (since this man is no longer practicing in pain management) is that the oath he took to become a doctor he took with fingers and toes crossed…because he caused greater harm than the doctors who performed the surgery…pain management specialist equals hope…one would hope…but he was in it for money and not for helping others

The glimpse:

There were times I would come home, and I could see that my dad was not there…just a look in his eyes and you could tell…the things this new dad said to me my old dad would have beat the shit out of anyone who spoke to me that way, or any of his loved ones…but addiction is the devil…it is evil…from minor moments like him not recognizing what a banana was and found the word banana quite funny for a fruit to a moment where I truly had no idea if the man coming at me might harm me…and the words out of that man’s mouth (that man, because that was NOT my dad) telling me how much of a loser I was, that I had no family anymore, that my childhood home (where I am living now) was not my home anymore…you can tell yourself all day and all night long that it was the addiction talking, but those words carve into your soul and they are heavy…my mom, she had her way of dealing…as did my brothers and sister…for years I had prepared myself for one of the following: dad to kill mom then himself or dad to kill mom or dad to kill himself…those three seemed so logical to me and I was fully prepared for that notification…I met this man, this person, during that time…someone who never would have made it into my life had I not been wrongly diagnosed as bipolar and heavily medicated and taking care of others who were living with me …I was overwhelmed…overwhelmed…an understatement…a more intricate story for another time

Not sure I trust online dating sites anymore…people can put forth the life and the person that they want…it doesn’t have to be true…just attractive…because you are selling yourself…who I clicked “like” on and who eventually became my husband was NOT who was presented to me those first few months…he became abusive…not physical…I do not know why I must specify…abuse is abuse…I was the “breadwinner” in my small household because my spouse was “dying of cancer” and always “too sick to work”…why the quotations you might wonder…well, he was not dying from cancer and he was not too sick to work…he was just a mean, selfish, lying, abusive person…who, no matter how many times and how hard I tried, would not leave…refused and had a friend who was a lawyer whom he always used as a threat to me…after a while…I but gave up and accepted my fate…he was able to convince my family, my friends that I was the crazy one…not him…it didn’t take long for me to believe that I actually was the crazy one…I now know what I experienced is called gaslighting…my life…I lived with someone who told me I was worthless and all those around me thought so too…I worked for someone who told me I was not very smart…I had a friend, whom I had moved in with me to try to help who left overnight with her kids, kids whom I love as my own, out of nowhere she tells me that I was the most selfish bitch and horrible friend ever…over text…I had no contact with other friends, cousins, etcetera….I heard day in and day out how horrible I was…how selfish I was…how stupid I was…how worthless I was…what was my escape, my parents’, became just another hell… a former member of the family absolutely hated me, made it known, and yet was always defended and protected by members in my family because I was the stronger one and I should just take it because she had a horrible childhood…so I was told

I had no safe place…I tried so very hard to be the safe place for my daughter…shield her from anything I could…protect her as much as I could…exhausted

The lyrics of the song are as follows:

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Mama, come here…Approach, appear…Daddy, I’m alone…’Cause this house don’t feel like home

If you love me, don’t let go…If you love me, don’t let go

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Mother, I know…That you’re tired of being alone…Dad, I know you’re trying…To fight when you feel like flying

If you love me, don’t let go…If you love me, don’t let go

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

Hold…Hold on…Hold on to me…’Cause I’m a little unsteady…A little unsteady

My dad…his day to day life was spent essentially asleep, doped up…most of what he did during his waking hours, he would not remember…he was tired…he was so tired of the pain…of trying to fight through it and be happy…have hope…my mom traveled…a lot…I know because she enjoys it…but, honestly, she had to feel so alone…lost…angry…sad…she had to of just wanted to leave…disappear herself…escape…and I…I was so very unsteady without knowing it because I was just climbing this mountain that was moving and growing causing me to stay in the exact same place…not gaining any ground

This is the wicked looking glass…this is what I want to say…to scream to that dad:

PLEASE just hold on…in the future my body quits, my stamina gives out…I have to come back home to rebuild…to get healthy…please dad, just wait…I will do it now…I will find my strength and lose this “husband”…I will stop trying to climb this ever growing mountain alone…your granddaughter and I will come home now…we will help each other…I understand you more than you can possibly comprehend right now, and you me, but give it time and you will see…our pain is different but the same…please do not give up and fly…just hold on because I need you

To my mom, I would say:

I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry that I did not realize just how alone and lost you must have felt…I was stuck in darkness and could not see past my own self…but I need you…and once we were friends and we can find that again…come home…I will come home, it’s inevitable…we will find the way together…you are not alone

To both I want to scream…please help me…I am drowning and I need you both…please because I cannot keep this pace up much longer…the idea of death has more light than my days…than my life…I have seen the future…I will be home anyways…so just hold on…stay there…and my daughter and I will come back now

I have sat on this…this post…telling this part of me…for days because I do not know how to end it…but maybe it doesn’t need an ending because it is a part of a beginning…letting go and stop living in this circle of pain every time the song “Unsteady” plays…maybe remove it from my playlist for a while…and let that part of me breathe…heal…no more should have or could haves…just forgiveness and moving forward because we did not know what to do…we were not prepared…we were stuck in a darkness

And one day…enjoy the music, the song, without a breaking down

2017-25-10-21-12-15

 

Still…not perfect…but long ago…

I hate this…what is so hard about writing about myself to myself…no followers, readers, stalkers…and I have had two stalkers in my life…like legit, scary, you take every self-defense class that comes up type of stalker…that, by the way, is not an open invitation for someone to stalk me…and I like not having anyone reading this…then why do I have a blog, one could ask…because typing is so much easier and I can decorate it…where does one begin…I have made a vow and said a prayer because I do not want this to become about “gossip” over people from my past and present…but I have some shit to work through…gossip is so negative and I feel horrible after talking to someone about another…even though I confide in like three people who do not talk to anyone else…and it is more of a venting session, but I feel that afterwards, both parties involved are just heavy…anyways…oh, yes, the shit…it all started when…………..I was a guinea pig for the psych community…okay, at least a couple of doctors in the community and not the ENTIRE community…total single mom, working part-time and in school part-time…had a friend and her little one (and then a little one on the way – LOVE them so much) living with me off and on…I was majoring in apparel design and taking this class that involved many machines…which I managed to constantly tangle up thread/fabric and break more needles than should be bought in a year…I believe machines hate me…there’s a huge possibility of a crash on their part when I am near…so I was seeing a psych doctor for my anxiety which I did not think was my problem…I absolutely did not want to be on anti-anxiety meds…did not…but after months of seeing her, my constant denial of anxiety (I am on anti-depression meds which I’m cool with) and, maybe, her becoming sick of me I took the questionnaire she handed me…it was for ADD or ADHD…my parents had to take it as well…and after a few short questions…BAM…you suffer from both ADD and clinical depression…by that time I was so desperate to be rid of the denied anxiety that I was like, “Cool.  Okay.  What do we do?”…that year was hell…and the psych doctor closed her practice without giving me a referral…so I took my meds as ordered and scheduled…I will say this, the only thing it did was amp up my anxiety to the max…I could not sit still…I could not maintain a thought…I had a great part-time job that I completely blew off…something I NEVER would have done…and I left speaking “my mind” which, looking back, were the most insane thoughts…but I had no idea I was slowly slipping down the rabbit’s hole…I did as I was told…this wasn’t anxiety…this was an adjustment to medication…then six months in I crashed…I went from amped up and could not sit still to someone who’s entire body impression was left on my wonderful purple couch because I could not move…I was so lost…so aware of time…ticking away…slowly…each second I was very much aware of and it was dark…honestly, I thought that things couldn’t possibly be darker, but stick around a few posts and you will see that I danced with the devil sometimes…oh, and yes, somewhere in there I switched from working towards my apparel design degree and started paralegal training…a training program that should have taken a person six to twelve months to complete, but took me more than a couple of years…the one thing I made sure of was that my daughter was good…actually ‘well’ is the more appropriate word…every day, even when the couch and I were best friends, I would get up and take my daughter to day care…I would pick her up as if coming off work (I substituted off and on, at this time really it was more off…and tried to psych myself up for classes…that I could not attend…not would not…COULD NOT) so that her routine was absolutely normal…I call my daughter my lifesaver…she saved my life…the life I was living before finding out I was pregnant was wild, except not in the way you are thinking (I think)…I absolutely loved her biological father…problem was…the life presented to me by him was a facade…a story for later…and it took eight home pregnancy tests and two at the doctor’s office before I would believe I was pregnant…at which point my recurring dream from the previous two months made perfect sense (side-note: I was on medication that could harm a baby…I was drinking like it was 1999…I ran all the time in the 100 degree heat…no substance, really, in my diet…and I was tanning)…but every time I slept I would have this dream…this recurring dream of a bald little girl, sitting on a patch of the driest, most barren and cracked dry earth one can imagine…within feet of her was beautiful, deep blue water (I could see the waves in the water…waves that would never get close enough to her to quench her thirst)…all around her was water…and she was thirsty but not dehydrated…and she was so happy…she was surrounded by a group of Native American Indians who were chanting and singing, dancing in a circle around her to keep her strong, healthy and happy…after I found out I was pregnant (at eight weeks along), I “cold turky’ed” off meds and stopped drinking and tanning…I tried to eat better (worse three month 24/7 morning sickness ever)…and I never had that dream again…seven months later I had a baby girl and that girl was bald until she was two…I always tell her…you saved me and God sent the Native Americans to keep you safe…WOW…I totally sidetracked it…don’t worry…I do that often…either I will get better at being focused or you will have to learn to follow me…where was I…yes, darkness…the next six months went by…so…very…slow…that song by the Chambers Brothers “Time Has Come Today”…close your eyes…that tick tock tick tock sound at the beginning…I could see it and feel it…and it did not move as fast as it does in that wonderful song…so I found myself a new psych doctor…little did I know…what was to come was going to be just a trade…one nightmare for another…tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock…TIME!